Louis Tomlinson is opening up about the loss of his mother, Johannah Deakin, who passed away from leukemia in December 2016 at age 43, revealing the unusually tight bond they shared.
So close was he to his mom, Tomlinson shares in a new interview in The Guardian, that she was the first person he told when he had sex for the first time.
“I remember the day I lost my virginity,” says Tomlinson. “I hadn’t even told any of my mates and I was, like: ‘Mum? I know this is really weird. But I’ve got to tell you…’ I remember thinking this is a bizarre conversation to be having with your mother. But it’s testament to how comfortable she made me.”
In the candid interview, Tomlinson also discusses his frustrations with One Direction as he promotes his new solo album, admitting he always felt like “the kid at the back” during the band’s early days.
“I didn’t sing a single solo on ‘The X Factor’,” Tomlinson declares. “When you actually think about how that feels, standing on stage every single week, thinking: ‘What have I really done to contribute here?”
He describes his fellow One Direction partners thusly: “Like Niall, for example. He’s the most lovely guy in the world. Happy-go-lucky Irish, no sense of arrogance. And he’s fearless. There are times I’ve thought: ‘I’d have a bit of that.’ Zayn, back in the day. He could relate to me on a nerves level. In the first year we were both the least confident. But Zayn has a fantastic voice and for him it was always about owning that. Liam always had a good stage presence, same as Harry, they’ve both got that ownership. Harry comes across very cool. Liam’s all about getting the crowd going, doing a bit of dancing… And then there’s me.”
It was only in the past few years, he says, that he really began to feel he was coming into his own within 1D. And then…
“In the last year of One Direction I was probably the most confident I ever was,” says Tomlinson. “And then it was: ‘OK, hiatus!’”
The band’s current on-hold status as the various members pursue solo careers is something he initially fought against.
“It wasn’t necessarily a nice conversation,” he said of discussing the hiatus with the rest of One Direction. “I could see where it was going.”
While embarking on a solo career isn’t something he craved, he now sees it as a way for him to present the truest version of himself to his fans, a way of explaining through music that he’s a real person and not a mythical figure the the band’s “fanatical” supporters.
“Although my problems might look a hell of a lot different they’re actually, fundamentally, the same,” says Tomlinson. “Loss feels the same. Heartbreak feels the same. The fundamental hurtful things for a human are all the same. And I feel like I have to push that constantly… Honestly, it’s crazy. It’s hard for a lot of people who are fanatical to believe that you are a real entity and a person.”