Former Girls Next Door star Holly Madison sat down with Oprah Winfrey for Oprah: Where Are They Now, revealing that living at the Playboy Mansion as one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends wasn’t exactly the non-stop party it appeared to be, with the girls under so much control they were expected to be home by 9 p.m. every night and needed to ask permission to visit their families.

In fact, Holly (who recently dished about the shenanigans that went on during her years with Hef in her tell-all book Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny) tells Oprah that she felt so despondent at one point she actually considered suicide.

Related: Holly Madison Tells All

“I think my lowest moment was around 2003, I’d lived at the mansion for a couple of years, and I completely lost my sense of identity,”; says Holly. “I just thought, “I’m stuck here. If I leave, everybody’s just going to think of me as this Playboy whore,’ and I didn’t see much of a future for myself outside the mansion. One night I was in a bathtub and I was just thinking about what would happen if I just sunk me head under the water? It was really what I wanted to do at the time.”;

Holly also tells Oprah that when she finally decided to leave, Hefner tried to entice her to stay with a $3-million bribe.

“Hef and I started hitting kind of a rocky patch when it became clear that Bridget [Marquardt] and Kendra [Wilkinson] were leaving, they were moving on to new things,”; she says. “I just had enough and just realized all the delusions I’d been under and that this was no longer the life for me.”;

Related: Holly Madison Responds To Hugh Hefner’s Response

When she went to get her belongings from the Playboy founder’s bedroom, she saw a copy of the Playboy founder’s will that had conveniently been left for her — which started that he was leaving her $3 million.

“It was very clear to me that he’d left that out for me to see, because he was hoping it would change my mind and get me to stay,” she explains. “But it just kinda disgusted me more than anything because all he can do is say, ‘Oh, here, I’m gonna throw you some money to get you to stay.’ It just grossed me out.”;