In the latest issue of Glamour, the usually hilarious Sarah Silverman reveals a far less funny side when she opens up about her lifelong battle with depression.

The 44-year-old standup comic has talked candidly about her childhood problem with bedwetting, but now she’s discussing the depression that accompanied “this gigantic and shameful secret.”

During those years, she reveals, she found herself avoiding friends, staying home from school and even suffering crippling panic attacks.

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“Every breath is laboured,” she says. “You are dying. You are going to die. And then when the attack is over, the depression is still there. Once, my stepdad asked me, ‘What does it feel like?’ And I said, ‘It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home.'”

Now, Silverman says she’s learned to live with depression, “and learned to control it, or at least to ride the waves as best I can,” she says. “I’m on a small dose of Zoloft, which, combined with therapy, keeps me healthy but still lets me feel highs and lows.”

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As she explains, the dark times have always been a part of her comedic sensibility. “The dark years and those ups and downs — chemical and otherwise — have always informed my work,” she says. “I believe being a comedian is about exposing yourself, warts and all. But my standup has evolved along with me.”