Garbage’s Shirley Manson has spoken out about her battle with self-harm in a heartbreaking op-ed piece for The New York Times.
The 51-year-old described exactly how she felt from the moment she started to experiment with drinking and drugs, to keeping her “dark secret.” She then said she ended up being “darkly in love” with someone, which all eventually led to her cutting herself.
Her powerful message explained: “The first time I cut myself, I was sitting on the edge of a bed inside my boyfriend’s flat. It was late. He and I had been arguing for some time, our voices gradually becoming more and more raised.”
“I was concerned that we might wake his flat-mates, and in a moment of utter exasperation, I reached across for my little silver penknife, pulled it from the lace of my shoe and ran the tiny blade across the skin of one ankle.”
The musician went on to say how “it didn’t hurt,” with her telling readers that that’s when she decided to do it again, and again.
Manson continued: “I looked dispassionately at the three thin red lines I had made and watched as tiny little bubbles of my blood oozed to the surface.”
“My boyfriend snorted in disdain and called me some nasty, misogynistic names before turning his back and immediately falling asleep. I felt somewhat elated, as I imagine a scientist might while working on an experiment that suddenly, after much persistence, has yielded favourable results.”
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Not ending her piece there, Manson added: “In that room at that moment, I felt untouchable and powerful. I was a woman in charge.”
“More than that, I felt a warm surge of comfort and relief. Relief from the rage. A relief from the powerlessness. Something had happened that didn’t feel right, and here were lines of my blood to bear witness to it and speak of it on my behalf.”
Manson’s candid post ended with her explaining that she’d now learned how to “force” herself to breathe in and out, before she concluded: “I leave the knife where it is. I breathe again.”
To read the full piece click here.
