Monica Lewinsky Reveals She Had Suicidal Thoughts After The Clinton Affair

Monica Lewinsky is ready to tell her side of the story in a brand new documentary series about her affair with Bill Clinton during her White House internship.

The six-part doc, “The Clinton Affair”, will air on A&E on the 20th anniversary of Clinton’s impeachment hearings and will focus on “the events leading up to the impeachment trial” and “the role of media, feminism and politics in this story of sex, power, lies and ideological warfare.”

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Lewinsky took part in a number of new interviews for the show, where she goes into detail about the start of the affair and the subsequent fallout and media backlash.

“I don’t talk about this very often and I still feel uncomfortable talking about it, because it’s not as if it didn’t register with me that he was the president, obviously it did,” she says in one of the teaser clips A&E released to promote the series.

“I think in one way, the moment we were actually in the back office for the first time, the truth is, I think it meant more for me that someone who other people desired, desired me. However wrong it was, however misguided, for who I was in that very moment at 22-years-old, that was how it felt.”

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In another clip, Lewinsky talks about working with the FBI, and how she was so terrified that she thought killing herself was the only way out of the situation.

“The ground completely crumbled in that moment. I felt so much guilt and I was terrified,” she says. “There was a point for me somewhere in the first several hours where I could be hysterically crying and then I would just shut down.”

“In the shut down period, I remember looking out the window and thinking the only way to fix this was to kill myself, to jump out the window. I was scared and I just, I was mortified and afraid of what this was going to do with my family. I still was in love with Bill at the time, so I felt really responsible.”

On Friday, A&E released more clips from the upcoming series, in which Lewinsky talks about meeting Clinton for the first time and developing a crush on him.

“I didn’t get it until the first time I was really in his presence,” she explains. “I was struck in a way that he had this ability to hold everybody who was there, not just young women, not just older women, but young men, older men, gay, straight, everybody is sort of starry-eyed in his presence.”

In the second new clip, Lewinsky recalls feeling “deflated” after the 1996 Presidential Election.

“For the last two weeks leading up to the election, I didn’t hear from him at all. I had naively invested in his and expected he would’ve won the election and within the first few days he would’ve called and, ‘OK, great, where do you wanna work?’ That didn’t happen.”

“I had this nagging insecurity, maybe he just did all of these things these last six months because he was trying to keep me quiet during the election,” Lewinsky adds. “How stupid am I that I believed this, that I bought this? I felt so deflated and so desperate…”

The six-part series “The Clinton Affair” premieres Sunday, Nov. 18.

If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs help, resources are available. In case of an emergency, please call 911 for immediate help.

The Canadian Association for Suicide PreventionDepression Hurts and Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 all offer ways of getting help if you, or someone you know, may be suffering from mental health issues.

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