Mel B hit a point so low during her marriage to ex-husband Stephen Belafonte that she decided to take her own life, and writes about her suicide attempt in her new book Brutally Honest.
According to an excerpt published by The Sun, the “America’s Got Talent” judge had hit rock bottom in her marriage when she tried to end it all by swallowing dozens of aspirin pills.
In her book, the Spice Girls star, 43, writes that she was scheduled to attend the red carpet launch for the final weekend of “The X Factor” in London.
“I’ll be wearing a beautiful dress, my hair and make-up will be perfect. But if you want the absolute truth, I don’t care about any of it. My life is a mess and I want out,” she recalls. She then opened a bottle of aspirin in her bathroom and began swallowing the pills.
“As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: ‘Are you sure?’ And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. ‘Are you sure?’” she writes. “One hundred and 20. ‘Are you sure?’ 150. Are you sure?’”
She describes her state of mind at the time: “Behind the glitter of fame, I felt emotionally battered, estranged from my family. I felt ugly and detested by the very man who once promised to love and protect me, my husband and manager Stephen,” she continues, claiming that he was threatening to destroy her career with the sex tapes he’d made of her.
As she swallowed pill after pill, she began writing “frantic, disjointed notes” to her eldest daughter, Phoenix, but then stopped just as she was about to take the 200th pill. “I knew I didn’t want to go anywhere,” she writes. “Suicide was not the answer. I had to make my life count. I had to get to a hospital. I had to get those pills out of my stomach before anything happened.” The bathroom door, however, had been jammed, and as she struggled to open the door she wound up with bruises on her face and shoulder that were visible to viewers on her next “X Factor” appearance.
“I can still remember the fear, panic and absolute confusion in my head,” she adds. “Then everything started to go black and I collapsed to my knees. I could feel the life in me starting to drain away.”
The next thing she remembers is waking up in a hospital, surrounded by medical personnel and her daughter Phoenix, who asked why she did it.
“It was the saddest moment of my life,” she writes. “Looking at my daughter — distraught, devastated, angry — was the moment I knew the fightback had to start.”
It was at that moment that she decided she wouldn’t try to cover up her bruises for the cameras.
“I would stand proud in this stunning white dress, the marks of my agony all over me,” she writes. “I asked for my hair to be pulled right back from my face. I needed to be seen. I needed all those bruises to be seen,” she wrote. “My message to the world and to my husband was going to be VERY CLEAR. I wanted people out there watching to be my witnesses. I took off my vast, square-cut diamond wedding ring. A ring I’d worn on ‘The X Factor’ a few weeks before to show the world what a solid couple Stephen and I were.”
In fact, she writes that she felt like Wonder Woman as she stood on the stage. “I’ve sent my message to Stephen,” she declares. “There’s no going back. I’m going to leave him, get a divorce. I’m going to be free.”
Brutally Honest is slated to be released on Nov. 27.
If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs help, resources are available. In case of an emergency, please call 911 for immediate help. The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention, Depression Hurts and Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 all offer ways of getting help if you, or someone you know, may be suffering from mental health issues.