Billie Eilish is getting candid about her struggles with mental health.
The 17-year-old music superstar is on the latest cover of Rolling Stone; in the issue she talks about how giving up dancing due to a hip injury negatively impacted her mental health.
“I think that’s when the depression started. It sent me down a hole,” she says. “I went through a whole self-harming phase — we don’t have to go into it. But the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain.”
She has since found herself back in a good place mentally, telling the magazine, “I haven’t been depressed in a minute, which is great. Seventeen has probably been the best year of my life. I’ve liked 17.”
Her struggles have also given Eilish an understanding of what some of her fans are going through in their own lives.
“Sometimes I see girls at my shows with scars on their arms, and it breaks my heart. I don’t have scars anymore because it was so long ago. But I’ve said to a couple of them, ‘Just be nice to yourself.’ Because I know. I was there.”
Recently, Eilish’s home address was leaked online. Fans showed up at her doorstep, which the singer says “was really traumatizing. I completely don’t feel safe in my house anymore, which sucks. I love my house.”
Despite not suffering from depression at the moment, Eilish did endure panic attacks before heading out on tour.
“I just couldn’t take the fact that I had to leave again,” she says. “It felt like an endless limbo. Like there was no end in sight. And, I mean, it’s true: There really is no end in sight with touring. Thinking about that literally made me throw up. I’m not a throw-upper but I threw up twice from the anxiety.”
Eilish also discusses her early attempts at acting as a child.
“I went on, like, two auditions,” she recalls. “So lame. This creepy, cold room. All these kids that looked exactly the same. Most actor kids are psychopaths.”
Meanwhile, she also explains her synesthesia, a condition in which her senses blend together in her brain.
“Every person I know has their own colour and shape and number in my head but it’s normal to me,” she says, explaining that her brother Finneas, is an orange triangle, while the name Finneas is dark green.
Her song “Bad Guy” “is yellow, but also red, and the number seven,” Eilish says. “It’s not hot, but warm, like an oven. And it smells like cookies.”