Evangeline Lilly is opening up about a “rough year” that had her feeling as if she was imprisoned in “darkness.”
The B.C.-raised “Lost” star shared a photo Thursday to show off her new look, sporting a blonde pixie-cut hairstyle.
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She asked her followers for their opinions, whether she should “keep the blonde? Or go back brunette?”
On Friday, she offered a followup, and became unexpectedly candid about what she’d been going through in her personal life.
“Yesterday many of you said ‘brunette.’ Well, here she is, about a year ago today,” Lilly wrote in another post, accompanying a pair of photos (taken by her four-year-old son) in which she’s sitting on the floor, apparently in despair.
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“I had such a rough year last year but I didn’t want to share all of it with you because i didn’t want to be a dark cloud in your world,” she added. “All I’ve ever wanted to do was put joy in the world. To add sunshine. I didn’t want you to be having a perfectly good day and then have my post make you sad. But I struggle deeply with feeling that all I ever am is what I feel everyone else wants and needs me to be. I often feel alone and unseen.”
Lilly continued: “I have always known I was strong. Strong enough, I believed, to hold all my pain and everyone else’s also. So I kept it all inside, kept it to myself, and made space in there to hold your pain, too. Publicly, I hid and made light of my deepest traumas and laughed in the face of my most profound pain.”
Last year, the “Ant-Man and the Wasp” star, 40, explained, “I broke. Suddenly I was forced to face my weakness and my limitations, my trauma and fears. I was left with no choice but to accept that I am limited or… carry on down a road of perfectionist denial that would inevitably kill me.”
Thankfully, she added, “I am coming out of that deep place, slowly. As I start to breathe the fresh air, as I start to find my new, limited footing, I feel disconnected from you. I feel it’s pointless to share the light when you don’t know my darkness. I feel lost and apathetic about this space we share.”
She concluded by asking herself and her followers, “would you have wanted to come along in my darkness had I shared it?”
