Kaitlyn Bristowe has just launched her own YouTube series, “9 to Wine”, and in the inaugural edition the Canadian-born “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” star is opening up about her life like never before.

In the video, she discusses her early life days of trying to make it as a dancer in Vancouver.

She joked that when she landed a job dancing for the BC Lions, she had “peaked,” and it was all “downhill” from there.

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Her life then took a huge change when she fell in love with a hockey player and moved with him to Newfoundland.

“I didn’t even realize I was a hopeless romantic that would do anything for love. That’s what got me onto ‘The Bachelor’, maybe that was my path and didn’t even know it yet,” she said.

When her boyfriend was signed by a team in Germany, she followed him there, a period she found “very hard,” admitting that “a small part of me was dying everyday that I wasn’t doing what I loved to do. And I think that was really hard for me and I think that would be really hard for anyone to lose that part of passion in your life, just to follow somebody else’s dream.”

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Finally admitting to herself she felt “completely lost” overseas, she moved back to Vancouver and lived with her parents at 27. It was then she sought treatment for depression, feeling like she “had nothing and that life was over for me.”

Her doctor prescribed Valium. At first she said the results were “great,” but she soon realized she had become dependent.

“I had become addicted to Valium and I was about 93 pounds and that is when somebody had to shake me and say you can’t live like this, this is not you,” she recalled. “I’ll never forget my mom coming into the room middle of the night with YouTube videos of hypnotizing people saying, ‘You’re happy, you’re going to be okay,’ and she just played it in my ear as I slept.”

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Thankfully, Bristowe emerged from that dark period in her life, and took a crucial life lesson from the experience. “You cannot make somebody else responsible for your own happiness,” she said.

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