It’s been a full day since polls closed in the 2020 presidential election, and no winner has yet been declared. Amid the confusion, chaos and law suits swirling around the results, late-night hosts spent the evening mining the situation for comedy gold.
Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden crafted monologues revolving around arguably one of the biggest news stories of the century, and took aim at everything from Donald Trump prematurely declaring victory to the breathless election night coverage on the 24-hour news networks.
The crestfallen mood prevalent when President Trump was elected in 2016 was replaced, this year, with a sense of incredulous disbelief and comical frustration that served as a brilliant way to satirize an endlessly surprising election process.
Here’s a round up of some of Wednesday night’s best political jokes from the leaders of late night TV talk shows.
“I’m Jimmy Fallon anchoring hour 30 of NBC’s election night coverage. Come on, it’s 2020! Did you really think last night would end wrapped up with a neat little bow?”
“Today felt like waking up with a hangover and then realizing you’re still at the bar.”
“What a long, emotional and confusing ride this has been. It’s like a Matthew McConaughey car confusion that won’t end.”
“You think you’re stressed, imagine how President Trump feels! In two months he’s either getting inaugurated or incarcerated.”
“My stress eating has gone from brownies to ice cream to pouring raw cake mix down my throat.”
“Very early this morning Biden spoke to a drive-in crowd in Delaware and told us we need patience. But I’m not sure that’s one of America’s strengths. If a TikTok video isn’t fun in the first three seconds, we’re like, ‘Ugh, next!’ We just have to be patient in a country that literally invented a Domino’s tracker so we know exactly when our pizza will arrive.”
“If you’re keeping track, in the same speech, [Trump] claimed the election was a fraud and embarrassment and then declared victory.”
“I don’t think we should correct Trump. Just nod along, put him in a fake White House and let him spend the next four years thinking he’s in charge. Who cares?”
“As you can see, I am still on the election set, because the election is still going on. As we knew it would. We planned to keep this set up for days, because, well, COVID.”
“Joe Biden has won Wisconsin. Woooo! The cheeseheads are now officially bluecheeseheads. So they smell weird but taste great crumbled on a salad, maybe with a poached pear, a little candied walnut.”
“And, just like that Wisconsin is gone, just like a candle in the wind — or a chicken nugget in your general vicinity.”
“We, the people, will not surrender! We, the people, will just doom-scroll on Twitter until we freak out and stress eat all our kids’ Halloween candy! I know there’s more Three Musketeers, John!”
(On Trump declaring himself the winner on Election Night) “I fully expect his victory in Pennsylvania to be just as successful as his victory over coronavirus. Gosh, I hope his announcement doesn’t overshadow me declaring myself People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive.'”
“It’s not like right after midnight he marched into the East Room and declared victory and said ‘Stop counting.’ He waited until 2 a.m. for that!”
“The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” airs weeknights at 11:30 p.m. ET/PT on Global.
“I thought if your election lasted more than 48 hours, you were supposed to get medical attention.”
“This race was closer than Donald and Ivanka at a father-daughter dance.”
“For me, the biggest question is, why did we believe the polls again? You’d think that we’d have learned out lesson. But I guess that’s not how humans function. We are on season 25 of ‘The Bachelor’, and we’re like, ‘I know it didn’t work out the first 24 times, but this one, it feels like love!'”
Throwin around hereby. pic.twitter.com/UdxNvebkIU
— The Late Late Show with James Corden (@latelateshow) November 5, 2020
“Obviously the election was much closer than anyone had predicted. Despite a large turnout from voters, there was no crashing blue wave. I mean how does this happen? Even after the Democrats got the cast of ‘Parks & Recreation’ to reunite over Zoom!”
(On Biden’s Election Night speech) “Biden may be optimistic, but did you hear all that honking from the cars? That is not support, that is Democrats trying to drive into Canada.”
(On Trump declaring premature victory) He tried to undermine the election and claim that he won. The country was shocked. In a completely unexpected turn of events, Donald Trump did exactly what he said he was going do.”
“I am exhausted. And I’m not in the race!… I mean you call him sleepy Joe, but the man has been awake for like 72 hours now.”
Yesterday was election day, or the beginning of election week. You know what? Last night was the first night of election Hanukkah.”
“During an interview yesterday President Trump said that as president, quote, ‘By far, the most difficult country to deal with is the U.S.’ Well, sure dealing with any country is tough when you don’t speak the language.”
Check out Meyers’ “Closer Look” at the election:
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