Ellie Goulding is on quite the journey as she rides out her unexpected pregnancy through a pandemic.

Goulding has not made a major public appearance since she was at London’s Victoria and Albert Museum in August for The Brightest Blue Experience.

“We did the one show. I was pregnant and had no idea,” she tells Vogue. “That was [around] the time when Caspar and I went away briefly when we were allowed to for our one-year anniversary, and that’s basically when we found out. It was crazy because it was our one-year anniversary.”

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“That was not the plan. The thought of getting pregnant didn’t seem like it could be a reality,” she adds. “Becoming pregnant kind of made me feel human. I want a better word than womanly, [but]—I have curves I’ve never had before. I’m enjoying it. My husband’s enjoying it.”

The Grammy-nominated singer admits there was some turbulence at launch.

“It happens really quickly, and then you almost don’t believe it at first,” she reveals. “You’re still eating the same, looking the same, for a while I was probably in denial. I was in such a good streak of fitness… I started having a completely different body and different energy, I couldn’t deal with everything!

“I actually went from being smug about how healthy my salads were and my breakfasts and eating nuts and seeds, and then all I wanted was McDonald’s,” Goulding laughs. “And I was kind of terrified, I suddenly wanted all of the bad things! Whatever this baby did when it took over my body was like, Hell no—I do not want broccoli, spinach, collards! I just wanted sugar and carbs.”

Dealing with pregnancy in a pandemic has also presented challenges.

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“You have your partner, and you have your friends, but in a pandemic, it can feel particularly lonely,” Goulding explains. “Because it wasn’t something I had planned for right now, [and] I knew it was a more solitary journey because of what’s going on. I think that made me keep it very secretive and made me very protective over it.

“The sickness and tiredness was nothing I’d ever experienced before. I feel like it’s a taboo to talk about pregnancy as being challenging. It’s not always serene and you’re not always glowing. I’m not saying that every second of this pregnancy has been miserable. It’s not always going to be easy,” she concludes. “I have a newfound respect for any woman who has children.”

Goulding and her husband Caspar Jopling tied the knot on August 31, 2019. She released her fourth studio album, Brightest Blue, to chart-topping success in July 2020.