The Lizard - 'The Amazing Spider-Man'
The Amazing Spider-Man makes good on its title: Spidey is pretty darn amazing, what with the web slinging and myriad other superpowers. Pity the same thing can't be said about his nemesis, the Lizard. Visually, he's pretty intimidating I suppose, in a cartoony CGI kinda way. The main problem though? He talks. In a hoity-toity scientist voice. And it's the silliest, least intimidating thing ever. This kinda thing wouldn't have happened on Sam Raimi's watch!
The Aliens - 'Signs'
I actually enjoyed this movie quite a bit, with the exception of two things: 1) Mel Gibson is a creepy lunatic, and 2) the easy-out of an ending. Spoiler alert: the alien invasion is thwarted after it's discovered these green space monsters have a serious aversion to water. Which of course begs the question: why invade a planet that's 70 PERCENT water?
The Architect - 'The Matrix Reloaded'
Not to be overly simplistic, but the thing that's enslaved humanity in them thar Matrix movies? Some bearded dude decked out like a genteel Southern gentleman. Oh, and he talks all pretentiously and just kind of sits there like a jerk. The only thing scary here is how mindnumbingly boring he is.
The Shark that Eats Samuel L. Jackson - 'Deep Blue Sea'
Say you're making a big-budget movie and Sam Jackson's in it. And as a twist, you decide to kill him off 'cause if you think about it, dude almost never dies in movies. Kind of a clever idea. So here's a thought: don't snuff ol' Sammy out by having some hilariously phony CGI shark swallow him whole. Trust me on this.
That Giant Mechanical Spider - 'Wild Wild West'
Dr. Arliss Loveless wants to take over the world or some such rigamarole. So he builds a massive steampunk-style arachnid to get the job done. One that shoots nitroglycerin out of a cannon. Oh, and then it captures President Ulysses S. Grant, as mechanical spiders are wont to do. Did you know Will Smith turned down the first Matrix film (a.k.a. the good one) to do Wild Wild West? Wow, dude. Just wow.
V'Ger - 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture'
The first in the expansive Star Trek film canon, Star Trek: The Motion Picture is mostly remembered for its monster being very, extremely, impossibly lame. The gist: a sentient, all-powerful alien vessel named V'Ger has been destroying everything in its path, and is now headed toward everyone's favourite vacation spot: Earth. After some ponderous Trek-style Trekkiness, Jim Kirk and the gang come to realize V'Ger is the Voyager 6, a long-lost 20th-century NASA probe. To recap: Laaaaaaaame.
Those Killer Plants or Whatever - 'The Happening'
Touted as a horror, the film depicts a world where people begin offing themselves en masse, be it jumping from bridges or feeding themselves to hungry lions. So who's to blame for this bizarre, uh, happening? The plants. Yep. To protect herself from the plague species known as 'humans' Mother Earth gets a bunch of plants to begin emitting weird neurotoxins. Look, I hate pollen and ragweed as much as the next guy, but come on, Mr. Shyamalan.
Terl - 'Battlefield Earth'
Hammily played by John Travolta, Terl is the Psychlo security chief on Earth, whatever that means. Anyhow, his big evil goal is to use human slaves to mine gold in radioactive areas. A plan we might take seriously were it not for the fact he's decked out like a rastafarian Klingon vampire.
Anakin Skywalker - 'Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith'
The only reason the Darth Vader we know and love is 6'5" and sounds like James Earl Jones is because Emperor Palpatine fitted him with extra long faux legs and a manly voice box. This film confirms our worst fears: that underneath all the Inspector Gadget add-ons, our former favourite space monster is little more than a limb-deprived brat who cries at the end of John Hughes movies.
The Mummy - 'The Mummy'
This is a multi-billion dollar, decade-spanning franchise that hinges on one serious flaw: the monster referenced in the title ain't all that frightening. Well, let me clarify: he actually starts off quite scary looking. Problem is, the more people this hair-raising monstrosity kills over the course of the film, the more human looking he becomes. Which means two-thirds of the way through the first Mummy movie, he's pretty much some just some Egyptian dude walking around.